For the past few years, my Facebook newsfeed has slowly shifted from “____ is single”, drunken parties, and late-night study sessions to weddings/engagements, animals and babies. Yep, babies.
Knowing that I have reached the age where I’m supposed to make the move from being a golden baby to (thoughts of) having a golden baby sends shivers down my spine and caused me to think. Shortly after, brilliance erupted, the heavens parted, angels were singing and the baby pro/con list had begun.
1. Watch your genes get passed on with superior spawnage.
Little baby Robyn will not only look like me (the horror) but there will be no driveway too steep, no tree too tall, no Nintendo NES game too difficult and no unsolved math problems! And as baby Robyn ages, it’ll warm the cockles of my soul to know that my influence on little baby me will be manifested by his/her sense of humour. The world can only hope, anyway.
2. You get to name it.
Remember that pink tamagotchi that you oh-so-cleverly named back in 1996? Well, you totally get to use it in real life! Welcome to the world, little Zephaniazizifuss.
3. Document the entire child’s life.
Little Zephaniazizifuss, like mommy, will over-share everything via social media. However, unlike mommy, little Zephaniazizifuss will grow up knowing EVERY DETAIL of their life from the moment of conception. O_O
Facebook Life Events will enable baby to look back and say, “Man, I have a lot of Facebook Life Events and I’m only 4 years old. AWWW YEAAAHH.”
4. Tell it ALL THE LIES.
Now is the perfect time to mould the baby into a kid and tell it the truth they can’t find anywhere else through the ages. The truth that shall be passed down from generation to generation. The truth about sneezes, puppies and where they came from.
The truth about sneezes.
Me: You’re only allowed a certain number of sneezes per lifetime and if you hold your nose, you’ll kill your brain cells by making them implode inside your brain.
Little toddler Zephaniazizifuss: O____O
Me: Sneezes are non-transferable so don’t even think about it.
Little toddler Zephaniazizifuss: O_______O
Me: Don’t hold your nose. Okay, baby?
The truth about puppies.
Me: Puppies shoot laser beams from their eyes and ate your pacifier. DON’T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THEM.
Little baby Zephaniazizifuss:
Little baby Zephaniazizifuss:
Me: Yep. Cats too.
The truth about where Little baby Zephaniazizifuss came from.
Me: Your father and I were walking one day and heard crying. When we realized it was a baby, we were curious. That’s when we found you, behind the cow.
Little kid Zephaniazizifuss: A cow?
Little kid Zephaniazizifuss: *cries*
Me: It’s okay, we found your brother by the goat. Love you!
Shout out to my brother for telling me the truth about sneezes and where I was found. Brother, I shall pass this on to future generations to come.
5. Your own personal little amusement dolly or toy.
Come Halloween, or any occasion really, little baby Zephaniazizifuss will be DA CUTEST THANG EBAR.
Pea in a pod
Baby Chun Li.
Kikkoman Soy Sauce.
6. Have access to extra fingers for increased Xbox button mashing.
Mortal Kombat fatalities and achievements will never be the same for I will have an extra pair of nimble little fingers at my disposal. Twenty-something age-old arthritis, be dammed for I will challenge err’body!
7. Late-night entertainment & puppet.
Because getting a full night’s sleep is near impossible anyway and doing anything at 4 am by yourself is just not cool. Little baby Zephaniazizifuss will give me all the lolz and be the center of my late-night-insomnia-ridden-out-of-the-country-skype sessions. Laugh for me baby, LAUGH.
Bonus points for getting baby to pee in a high arch and hit an intended target? Challenge accepted.
8. Bedtime comics.
What’s the point of having a child if you can’t read the bed time stories YOU want to read? I mean, poor little miss Muffet needs to get upgraded anyway. Nobody sits on a tuffet any more. Besides, it makes for a perfectly good excuse to read comics as an adult.
And one day, my child will write a secret blog post (that I will naturally find) saying, “When I told you I wanted to be Batman — you did tell me I wasn’t cool enough. That hurt mom, I had to settle for Jubilee from XMen.”
9. Buying lucky charms.
Thank you Little baby Zephaniazizifuss, for being an acceptable reason to have a sugary, marshmallow-based cereal in the house. Thank you.
10. Personal little slave and/or attack baby.
Lastly, having Little Baby Zephaniazizifuss around would be like having my own personal little “helper”. It’s the easiest way to turn boring routine chores into fun little games and challenges. Make the child work for you? Oh, the possibilities are endless!
For home security purposes, six-month-old Little Baby Zephaniazizifuss will be trained as an attack baby. More details to come.
And finally, we reach the downsides of having a baby.
Everyone knows that the cost of having a child will be ridiculous. I mean, Sailor Moon backpacks & Batman underoos aren’t going to buy themselves, right? Matching momma and baby kicks are a necessity, right? Thought so.
And yes, having a baby does mean that you automatically qualify for the newest, top of the line, sexiest, DSRL camera because let’s face it – child pixelation is SO 2001.
2. Music festivals & video games.
Let’s face it. With the introduction of Little baby Zephaniazizifuss, some habits are going to have to change. Sorry Coachella & Ultra but three-day music festivals will be a thing of the past. Fear not though! Headphone rave parties at my desk won’t be. AWWW YEA.
The same shivery thrill will occur with the only exception being that those live DJ sets will now be found by going to youtube. SAD FACE.
Also, note that your finest moment will no longer be hitting the vodka bottle at 3am just to get in another 5-6 rounds of Halo with Japan & the UK. Neither will your days of explaining how incredibly amazeballs that final cam triple was, with the bodies blowing back and ….sigh.
Go that route after becoming a mother and you will now be looked upon as a serial killer instead of an elite warrior.
3. Travel plans.
The biggest and the most important. No child of mine shall put a damper on my current travel plans. Meaning, as far as travelling is concerned it’ll change not stop. A slight pause and more scheduled, less-random, more-expensive, perhaps. But not stop.
It’ll be worth it when I can pretend to pack them in my luggage out of frustration.
That said, I’m going to be the best child-influencer ever and out internet kid Zephaniazizifuss whenever possible. Because nothing is worse than a parent out interneting you. And so clearly that’s what I must do.