The start of every weekend introduces endless possibilities to strike things off my ever-so-daunting task list – with a real “get shit done” attitude.  Throw in the dark, rainy, Mordor-like weather and I’ve got the perfect combination to toss alladat productivity out the window and roll right back over; burying myself further into a cozy comforter burrito and 4pm wake up call.

“Productivity be damned for I shall be lazy!” I exclaimed from underneath the pillow.

By the end of the day, my once brilliant idea of “me” time had caused me to go stir-crazy. I felt like a withered piece of flesh; composed of brain mush and fat that had seared itself to my couch, rotting away (without the yucky smell). I needed to get off this goddamn couch.

When Sunday came around, I was desperate. I tried to find any willpower that I could muster up to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that yesterday had left me with and…holy moly! The minute I opened my eyes a switch got flicked. I ninja roll out of bed and BOOM. OCD like a mofo’!  Fast forward to Sunday night and there I was, still left wondering what the hell I accomplished, mumbling “meh, didn’t do shit” – again from underneath the pillow.

How exactly did this happen? Mostly ADHD…but I’ll blame the weather instead. Allow me to give you a glimpse into the weekend rollercoaster ride and the many stages of modern day cabin fever (click on image below to zoom).

1. Lose track of time. 

It all starts with losing track of time. Weekend means turning your schedule upside down – sleep until 4pm, dinner at 4am and nap countless times inbetween. Then at some point become so entrenched in what you’re currently doing that when taking a quick break, you type gmail.nom – a clear indication that while I lost track of time, my stomach clearly had not.

2. Unnecessary intake of food.

Checking Instagram upon waking should come with a warning sign because shortly after, my mission was to EAT ALL THE THINGS. Shame that meant having to *actually* leave the apartment and venture to the grocery store, which then quickly turned into a game of how many bowls of this horrible organic flavourless flax cereal can one consume? Worst idea yet. Sunday’s mission was the same; EAT ALL THE [leftover] THINGS with a side challenge of creativity and magical powers. Accio pizza!

3. Play a ridiculous amount of video/iPad games.

After playing on my XBOX for 10 hours straight, I’m only 67% complete  and I’ve been doing nothing but main objectives. My hands hurt and my vision is blurry. I figured I’d give my hands a break and switch to the iPad’s touch-only technology. For the record, I really suck at SongPop. Mainly because I find myself distracted and singing along to the music than focused on answering the questions. Derp.

4. Summon the inner OCD.

Because I was so worthless Saturday, I was determined to do things. Womanly house things. Important womanly house adult things. Cue in the Cinderella-type bandana, EDM music and booty shorts. Couple hours later, that massive pile of clean clothes that had consumed my bed for weeks was in its rightful place, the suitcase from my last trip – finally unpacked, shoes sorted and back into their little boxes, bathroom scoured and spotless. I even purged my dresser drawers, created a donate pile and cleaned my camera lenses. Boom.

5. Marathon Netflix watching.

Thanks to my clean ALL THE THINGS rampage, I decided to reward myself with some relaxation. 4 movies, 17 TED Talks and an entire season of a TV series later, I was back to feeling utterly worthless.  All while flopping across the couch.  Every so often I would re-adjust the massive cushion fort I had built to accommodate some new gymnastic position my lazy sack of bones had invented that would eventually cause a limb to fall asleep and require re-positioning once more.  Whet? Cue in a brief pause in-between each Talk to ponder life and try to calm the feeling of being a microscopic speck swirling around a massive black hole with no purpose or brainpower. What’s my impact? What do I actually contribute in this world? I blame you ridiculously smart TED speakers for that. By the way, we’re talking 11 straight hours to start and finish the season. I need a cat. Wait, I dislike animals.

6. Travel to the end of the internets.

After watching all those TED Talks, I felt doomed. Cue in WebMD and Google. After self-diagnosing myself with an acute case of something-something-xia, I did the following –

Learn things. Because what else am I going to do at 3am when I can’t sleep.
Skype. Because at this point, I NEED some sort of human interaction…Facebook ain’t cuttin’ it.
Reddit. Because it’s a habit. One that I have no desire to break.
Yelp & TripAdvisor. Because I can’t rest until I’ve reviewed everything and had my justice.
Read. Because I need sentences. and paragraphs. and a mother-effing-story line.
Online shopping. Because thank’s to Reddit, I now wonder if I can buy tiny little crochet hats on Etsy for bed bugs? Also, can haz this Tetris dress?
Research. Because at this point I’m compelled to feed my now playdough-like consistency of a thing I once called a brain, with something substantial and factual.

7. Experience malfunction.

Brain malfunction from soaking up too many things in such a short time span. Emotional malfunction from a lack of movement (still on my couch, ya’ll), productivity and human contact.

How is this different than any other weekend you might ask? Because this was not just any weekend – it was a storm-almost-turned-hurricane, mother-mandated, don’t-leave-the-apartment weekend.

For my non-miamians, this means that with Hurricane Isaac about, it was socially acceptable to cancel all plans, become a hermit and remain plastered to the couch sans contacts and pants. And free reign at that.

So there you have it. The constant conflict I have within myself, having this raging war of Mario vs. Koopa Troopa every time I’m forced to stay indoors for the entire weekend.

Shout out to Issac *cough and my new wireless network name cough* for making it all happen!

Moral of the story: Charge all your electronics in preparation of any natural disaster…and maybe invite a friend over.